


Girls/Girls/Boys

by wunkind (guysinmyhead)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid, Genderqueer, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Love trumps all, M/M, Other, Sex, angst with a somewhat happy ending, but it's important to try, it's hard to love yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 07:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guysinmyhead/pseuds/wunkind
Summary: Originally for something else, but I scrapped it.  Roughly based off of/a slightly more canonical version of Viktor from my fic Ribbons.It really probably doesn't need to be E, but better safe than sorry.





	Girls/Girls/Boys

It started kind of strangely, on the back burner. Viktor had known he was gay before he even really understood any sort of sexuality. Of course, it gets to the point when you’re a teenager and you know you’re daydreaming about boys and Georgi is _very loudly_ discussing his latest infatuation in skirts and a ponytail.

“It’s always so pretty when it’s all slicked back and tight.”Georgi sighed, watching as their female rink mate adjusted the pony in question before giving Yakov a sharp nod and taking off again.

“I have a ponytail.”Viktor said absentmindedly, twirling the end around his finger. “Am I a girl?”

There was silence a moment, Georgi didn’t look at him because he was still too busy staring out onto the ice. Even so, he laughed.

“Of course not, Vitya, unless you’re trading your Olympic slot for Galya’s.”

_No.Of course not._

He cut his hair after his debut.

 

* * *

 

It was two years later.He was only just twenty. Chris was his first openly gay friend and he’d just moved up to seniors at eighteen. They’d known each other before this, had spoken for a few years.Viktor went to him when there was no one else.

There was usually no one else.

“Vitya, _Viktor_ , what’s wrong?”The familiar voice asked in French, though his tone was slightly off. He was breathing raggedly.

“I don’t…I don’t like this.”He admitted. His hands came up to hide the embarrassment written over his face. Part of him wanted to actually cry. He’d had sex with Chris before.He’d _enjoyed_ it.Why did this feel so wrong now?

“Okay, okay, that’s fine.”Chris worked quickly and immediately, eyes wide with Viktor’s admission. The younger winced as he sat up to take care of the mess, seconds away from helping Viktor fumble out of the condom before—

“Don’t touch me!”Viktor surprised himself saying it so forcefully.

Chris held up his hands.

“What’s wrong?Did I do something—“

“No—I-I don’t know what’s wrong.”Viktor’s voice wavered. “I don’t know…why don’t I know?”

“Hey, literally sometimes you just aren’t in the mood.”Chris tried to smile. “That’s fine, ok?Don’t push yourself and definitely don’t have sex just to make me happy.”

“I wanted to, I _want_ to… I—can we switch?”

Chris blinked at him in surprise.

“Seriously, Chris, can we switch?I’m not lying. I just don’t want to top or whatever right now.”

“Uh…yeah…we can try that…you’re sure?You aren’t just feeling guilty or something—“

Viktor shook his head. His fingers fumbled around in the sheets for the lube which he finally handed over with a relieved sigh before resting his forehead on his arms and waiting expectantly.

“Can you turn over?”

“This is how you did it!”

“I’m worried about you and I want to see your face.”Chris said firmly, holding his ground.“I don’t want you to think you have to go through with this for me. We’re still going to be friends even if we don’t fuck and—“

“I don’t want you to look at me,”Viktor admitted with a quiet and shaky voice, like he was seconds from breaking his composure if they kept talking about it.“I can’t explain it, can you please just do this for me?I need it.”

Chris didn’t let him off the hook that easily. He complied in the moment, but they spent the rest of that night talking until the sun began to rise again. Viktor used way too much concealer during his exhibition.

 

____

 

There were times where Viktor was in very real crisis about his sexuality. There were times he found himself actually attracted to women and that very much panicked him. It was those days he’d shut himself inside and stay on the phone with Chris as long as he possibly could, trying to work out what this could mean.

Chris understood. He always understood.

He was also the demon that convinced him to try dating one and seeing how he felt.

It went well, the first couple of months.She was a sweet woman, a pairs skater from his own rink. Her name was Valeriya and she was a good friend in the loosest of descriptions. Really, Viktor felt like he couldn’t do much other than be perfect for her.He couldn’t confide in her his concerns, especially not those regarding sexuality. She’d known him to take male lovers before, but she hadn’t mentioned it. He wasn’t sure if that was her telling him she didn’t care he wasn’t entirely straight or that she didn’t care about his past at all.

It didn’t personally make a difference.He’d never been so thankful for a condom or for the stereotype that men didn’t care to get women off, because he began to fake it on days where his stomach felt sick about sex in general. 

Chris told him it was unhealthy, and he didn’t necessarily disagree. The problem was that in every instance he’d _wanted_ to have sex and something just put him off.

“Maybe you should bring up pegging.”Chris said one day on a phone call, making it sound like that wasn’t the most personal thing to ever mention to someone. “What, Vitya, plenty of couples do it?”

He broke up with her instead.Best not to try and explain that fetish.

 

* * *

 

“Did I do something wrong?”Yuuri glanced up from where he’d been unceremoniously pushed back onto his ass on the floor.Previously, he’d been on his knees, nuzzling the front of Viktor’s pants before Viktor had essentially panicked.

“No,”Viktor responded, voice tight.

_Why did you think this would be any different?_

Viktor wasn’t sure of the answer.He’d spent ages trying to work up to this. He and Yuuri, they hadn’t done much other than some heavy making out. They were basically glorified teenagers at this point and that mostly stemmed from the fact that, up until yesterday, they were living in Yuuri’s family home. That, combined with the fact their only hotel stays had been during competitions meant putting off most of Viktor’s problems.

“I’m sorry I just assumed—“

“It’s—ah—fine…” Viktor helped him up.

 

* * *

 

He should have known it wasn’t fine. They didn’t do anything further that day, but Yuuri tried again later that week. His lips had made their way down Viktor’s chest, brushed too close to a nipple, and Viktor had snapped out of it again. 

“I’m sorry…” Yuuri frowned at him.

“I know, I’m—it’s just that they’re sensitive sometimes.”Viktor offered a consoling smile.“Just give me a second, it’s fine.”

It was fine, half an hour later when Yuuri had relaxed enough for Viktor to convince him to try again. 

 

* * *

 

This happened again and again, like a broken record.Viktor had unpredictable quirks, from Yuuri’s perspective. There were days he’d tug Yuuri’s lips closer to his chest by the hair and days he wanted Yuuri no where near his chest.There were days Viktor lied to his face about getting off—Yuuri played stupid those times but his fiancé never once seemed guilty about it. 

There were small things, like not wanting to be seen. There were days Viktor wouldn’t take off his shirt or he wouldn’t take off his pants, he’d take Yuuri apart with his mouth or his fingers but wanted absolutely nothing in return.

“Do you not trust me?”Yuuri said finally, voice shaking.He’d walked into the bathroom where Viktor was disposing of a condom that essentially had served no purpose. Viktor’s eyes widened in surprise, caught red-handed because honestly a transparent condom was pretty hard to fool someone with.“If you’re not—if you’re not attracted to me you can just say it, you know?You don’t have to lie and hide and pretend like you want to fuck me.”

They didn’t have penetrative sex all that often anyways and if Viktor hated it that much, he could have just been truthful about it.There was plenty more to do.

“Yuuri, I—“

And for the life of him, Yuuri didn’t know why he said it, but the words came from the darkest crevices of his mind and he couldn’t stop himself.

“I know I’m not worth your time.I don’t know why I thought you wanted to be with me.You don’t even want to talk about the wedding,”They’d been putting off planning time and time again. Every time they sat down to do something, Viktor found an excuse to leave or provided a distraction. “I’m—I need a walk.”

“Yuuri—“Viktor’s voice cracked. “Yuuri—Yuuri wait, please—“

Yuuri shoved past him as he tried to step in front of the door. Viktor sucked in a breath and followed after him, thankful for long legs to keep up. Yuuri was grabbing his essentials bag, the bag he brought to the rink minus his skates. It was already packed for tomorrow—changes of clothing and snacks.He tugged a sweater on over his head, making the hair on his head seem more naturally messy than attempted-sex messy. He’d already put pants on before coming to the bathroom.

“Yuuri, I’m sorry.I’m not lying—“

“Omission is _lying_.If you don’t want to have sex, just—just _say_ it, ok?”Yuuri snapped, “You _pretending_ is really messed up for both of us. It makes me feel sick and guilty and anxious and I don’t know what else ok—Vitya step away from the door.”

“Please, no, I need you to listen.”

“I need to listen when I’m not upset, ok?”Yuuri tried to soften his voice, but it was on the verge of cracking. There were tears in his eyes, beginning to pool and cloud his vision. “I don’t want to listen when I’m upset. I’ll just get worked up—Vitya, please move.”

He didn’t know why he listened, but Viktor let him leave. He stepped aside, watched the door open and close, and said nothing else.He bit his lip.He watched the only person who might have genuinely understood leave, and he didn’t do anything about it. 

His fingers traced shapes in the paint on the door, he leaned his forehead against it.Yuuri was sobbing, he could hear him. 

He wasn’t sure when he ended up on the floor himself, but Viktor wrapped his arms around his knees and cried silently. 

 

* * *

 

Yuuri didn’t come back that night.Viktor wasn’t entirely sure where he’d gone, but he assumed to Lilia’s.The former prima had a soft spot for him and, as someone very familiar with marital issues she probably had made him herbal tea and consoled him. 

She was a tough woman, but she wasn’t heartless and Yuuri brought out that side in people.

That would also explain why he received a voicemail from her. He hadn’t listened to it yet, too scared to know the damage or the cruel words she’d inevitably have for him.His fingers hesitated over the play button when he heard the key in the lock.

Yuuri looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes.

“Lilia said she’d pack her things and leave you.”He made eye contact with Viktor from across the room. That look alone made Viktor’s heart shatter, let alone the words.“I’m giving you one chance. I want to hear what’s wrong.”

_I can’t tell you._

Viktor thought the noise was Makka, begging for food.Instead, the whine came from his own throat.

_Please understand._

Yuuri was waiting.

“Would you rather I leave?”It wasn’t a threat.Yuuri’s voice was too small, too fragile-sounding for it to be threatening. He was being genuine, asking.Viktor realized just how badly he’d fucked up.

“No.”He whispered, running his tongue nervously over dry, cracked, and bitten lips. “Please.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Us?”Yuuri prompted, if possible sounding more broken than before.Tears were starting again.

Viktor shook his head.

“Me.”

Yuuri rubbed his nose and sniffled.

“I want to understand.”He whispered, eyes already red. 

_I don’t understand it, how can you?_

 

* * *

 

From a young age, Viktor knew he was gay. Or, at least, he knew he was interested in men.As a pre-teen, he knew what that entailed. Part of him was particularly attached to being in the woman’s position specifically. By his late teens and early twenties, he was actually exploring that, recognizing the fact he didn’t _mind_ switching. There were days being on top felt far more comfortable.

From a young age, Viktor was obsessed with fairytales. He was in love with princesses. His parents were surprised when he came out because of that.They’d thought his fascination with princesses was because they were pretty, they were attractive.They somehow thought nothing of his desire to emulate them.The long hair—the long hair wasn’t a giveaway for most. Plenty of men had long hair, for some reason it seemed very popular to wear your hair in short buns. It seemed almost traditional.

“I think I felt like a girl.”Viktor admitted, eyes focused on something Yuuri couldn’t see, a memory he didn’t share.“And I think Georgi was the one who made me realize I wasn’t. But it didn’t feel better…I don’t…my hair doesn’t really make a difference, it was just...hair.”

There was a moment of silence.

“I’m not…I’m not transgender.”Viktor said quietly. 

“There’d be nothing wrong if you were.”

“I just…some days I don’t like it?I don’t like myself?It feels…wrong?Out of place?”

That aligned with what Yuuri knew of Viktor’s little quirks. There were days he just didn’t want to be touched below the belt or those days where he flipped onto his stomach.Those days Viktor’d often deflect any of Yuuri’s attempts to wrap a hand around his cock by catching his wrist and bringing the stray hand to his chest.

“Do you think you’re fluid?”

“Yes? No? I don’t know…I don’t like labels…” Viktor chewed his lip.“They don’t make it any better. That’s why I had the crisis about being gay. I can’t like a woman if I’m _gay_.”

Yuuri couldn’t help it.He laughed.

And then his laughter turned into tears. And then, because it was Yuuri, he was sobbing uncontrollably, wrapping himself around Viktor, burying his face in his neck.

“I’m sorry.I’m so sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

“That’s not something easy to tell.”Yuuri squeezed him tighter.“I’m sorry I made you experience that, I’m sorry if I made it worse.”

Viktor wanted to say he hadn’t.He wanted to tell Yuuri that this was just his daily anyways, that some days he didn’t like his clothing options. Sometimes his tightest shirts still didn’t show the figure he expected to see in the mirror. There were times the baggiest pants couldn’t hide anything. There were times he wished he still had long hair, just to better express outwardly everything going on in his own head.

“I’ll tell you.”Viktor whispered.“I promise. From now on, I’ll tell you everything. All of it.I won’t keep it from you.”

Yuuri pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, Viktor hadn’t realized he’d also been crying until that moment, and nodded. 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally for something else, but I scrapped it. Roughly based off of/a slightly more canonical version of Viktor from my fic Ribbons.  
> It really probably doesn't need to be E, but better safe than sorry.


End file.
